Starting Anew
by nxbxdys.bxtch
Summary: This story is a sequel to my other story "His Loss, Our Gain". This one will be ongoing as new seasons of TWD come out. If you read the description for my other story, you'll find out more about how I write this ship. Hope you enjoy! (Story currently on hiatus until season 9 comes on Netflix. I hate getting details wrong.)
1. Familiar Stranger

It was dark and quiet in Alexandria. It was the sound of peace after a long and hard war. All the Alexandrians were asleep peacefully for the first time since the shootout at the hill. All except one. Eugene lies awake in his bed: his thoughts making it impossible for him to fall asleep. It had been several weeks since the war, but it was still on his mind. Every time he closed his eyes, he could only see the Saviors dying, the blood, Negan's face. So he kept his eyes open.

Part of him was still guilty about the whole thing. He knew he shouldn't be; so much good has come from his act of bravery. There was now peace between the Saviors and Alexandria and Eugene was now a valuable member of Alexandria. Originally, he was apprehensive about rejoining Alexandria in fear that they would treat him the same way: as a burden. He was happy to find out, though, that they had learned their lesson and were finally assigning things for Eugene to do that's in his line of work. It was just unfortunate that it took such drastic measures to give him what he deserves. Still, despite all the good that has come to him, he still couldn't sit right with what he did. Maybe he just needed some fresh air to get his mind off things.

Eugene stepped out into the cool air of the night and listened to the silence. It was almost an intoxicating sound. He closed his eyes and took a big breath in and released it slowly. He opened his eyes, almost expecting the peace to disappear, but it didn't. Then Eugene realized where he was looking. He was looking at the stairs descending to Negan's cell. His heart dropped as his mind started to race with all the memories he had of that monster. He swallowed and hesitantly took a step forward, then began to walk towards the stairs at a steady pace. He stopped, realizing what he was doing. There was no way he was going to visit him. No way in hell. But there was something pulling him and taunting him to go towards the stairs. He's probably asleep anyways he thought I can just go in and look and go out. He took a couple more steps but stopped again. He wasn't going to do it. He hadn't seen him since the attack and he was okay with that… right? He wasn't, he needed to see him.

Slowly he descended the stairs and slowly he opened the door. The door squeaked slightly, causing Eugene's heart to quicken more than it's already racing speed. He closed the door behind him and peered into the cell. He could barely make out Negan's figure in the room lit only by the moonlight. He was laying on his back on the small cot that he slept on. Without taking his eyes off him, he slowly sat down on the bench across from the cell. He sat and he stared. Negan was entirely still apart from his chest rising and falling slowly. Eugene assumed he was asleep because of his extreme stillness and found comfort in this. He wouldn't know what to do or what to say if he were awake.

"You gonna say anything asshole?" The voice from the cell startled him. It sounded like the voice of a stranger. A familiar stranger. "I know I'm handsome, but something tells me you didn't come in here just to stare." Eugene started to tremble. There was too much that he wanted to say to him that he didn't know where to begin. So he just stayed silent. Negan let out a long sigh and slowly sat up in his bed. Eugene could now make out his face that was now illuminated by the moon. His hair and beard were extremely unkempt and his expression read despair and hate. It made Eugene's stomach turn. He never imaged he would see Negan like this.

"I-I'm sorry," Eugene said softly. The words almost seemed to pour helplessly out of his mouth. Negan chuckled and shook his head.

"I think we're way past apologies Eugene," Negan said. "I believe you're sorry. Why else would you be visiting me at such ungodly hours weeks after the bullshit you pulled? But unfortunately, I do not accept your apology and would like to never see your ass in here again." Eugene furrowed his eyebrows. His body began to feel hot. "Now get the hell out of here." Eugene stood up quickly.

"I revoke my apology," Eugene said coldly. "I damn well made the right decision to save my people. I like to believe that I'm smart, but I was stupid to believe that you gave any shits about me. I didn't see it then, but you don't give any shits about anyone." Negan stood up slowly and walked towards the bars of his cell. Eugene could perfectly make out his features now but could barely recognize him.

"Look at the size of your balls now that there's a couple of metal bars between us." Negan said. Eugene swallowed, but his hatred was still overwhelming. "I don't think I've ever seen you this angry smarty-pants."

"Don't call me that," Eugene said simply. Negan shook his head.

"Wow, and they just keep growing!" Negan said. He then motioned for Eugene to get closer. Before Eugene could think, he stepped closer to him. Negan grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the bars. Eugene stiffened and froze. He trembled at Negan's hate-filled face.

"Once I get out of here, You're the first one that dies," Negan said before throwing Eugene on the ground. Eugene got his barrings then propped himself up with his shaking forearms. He looked at the cell to see Negan walking back to his bed.

"You were wrong about one thing," Negan said softly. "I do give shits about people. Not as much as I used to, but I did give a shit about you." Eugene furrowed his eyebrows and got up quickly. He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him, and walked spitefully back to his house.


	2. Alive

It had been several months since Eugene last saw Negan. Ever since Eugene found it easier to move on from what happened. Seeing Negan and how much he hated him made him realize he made the right choice. There was no question in his mind about that now. However, Eugene still wasn't able to sleep any better. He would still lie awake thinking about Negan. Negan hated him, he made that very clear, and that just didn't sit right with Eugene. He wanted Negan to like him. He wouldn't admit it, but he did.

It never crossed his mind to go visit him again. All that would happen is more arguing. He wanted nothing more than to make amends, but they both knew that was impossible. And Eugene understood that. He had single-handedly killed almost all his people (possibly the ones he gave shits about) and him just about. Maybe it would've been better if he had died that day. A lot of people agreed and made it very clear that they did. Eugene knew he was alive for a reason though: some bullshit about mercy. Whether or not he agreed with it, Negan was alive and he couldn't change that. So he learned to live with it.

Now, Eugene was at home, tinkering with whatever. It soothed his mind and kept him relaxed when he was stressed. He was calm and happy. That was until he was rudely interrupted. Rosita had entered his house after a single knock. Eugene simply set down his tools and met her by the door. She didn't look very happy.

"You should probably wait until I answer the door before you barge in," Eugene said. Rosita just continued to stare at him with a bored expression.

"Come with me," Rosita said. "Negan wants to see you. Michonne is tired of him asking to see you every time she goes in there so she asked me to bring you to see him." Eugene's face fell. Just when he thought he was getting over that asshole. He really has the audacity to want to see him after what he said?

"He wants… to see me?" Eugene asked. Rosita crossed her arms.

"Apparently so much that it's getting on Michonne's nerves," Rosita said. "Now let's go." She started out the door and Eugene followed reluctantly.

"You know I can go by myself," Eugene said, catching up with her. "I don't need a babysitter." Rosita laughed mockingly.

"You keep telling yourself that," Rosita said. Eugene furrowed his eyebrows.

"At least let me talk to him by myself," Eugene said as they stopped by the door. Rosita stared at him and thought deeply.

"Fine," Rosita said, digging into her pocket, "Just take this with you." Rosita handed him a simple knife. "Just in case he gives you trouble." Eugene nodded and took the knife. Rosita then opened the door and Eugene walked into the room.

What he saw made him extremely uneasy. He was actually able to see Negan now despite the dim lighting in the room. His hair and beard were even worse than before and he looked almost malnourished. Have they been feeding him? Eugene thought to himself. He then noticed a lonely uneaten sandwich on a tray on the ground.

"It's about damn time I get to see you again," Negan said. "How have you been?" Eugene furrowed his eyebrows.

"What do you want?" He spat. Negan laughed. It was a low and gravely laugh that was devoid of any sort of emotion.

"Easy there, tiger," Negan said. "Just trying to be friendly."

"Last time I was here you threatened me and threw me on the ground," Eugene said. Negan sighed and stood up. He then sauntered over to the bars.

"Come 'ere," Negan said. Eugene squinted at him.

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Eugene asked. Negan rolled his eyes.

"I just need to tell you something and I don't want your lady to hear it," Negan said softly. Eugene blushed a little. His lady? Eugene then took a single step forward, but still remained a safe distance from the other man. Negan sighed.

"I need you to do something for me," Negan said, still softly. "I want you to take that knife in your hand and kill me with it." Eugene's heart dropped and his stomach turned. He looked at the knife in his hand then back to Negan who was surprisingly calm.

"You want me to kill you?" Eugene asked, expecting the answer to be different.

"Yes Eugene," Negan said plainly.

"Why me?" Eugene said. Fear started to rise up in his throat and into his voice.

"No one else has the balls to do it," Negan said. "But I believe in you Eugene." Eugene looked back down at the knife in his hand. He wasn't going to do it. He didn't want to have to figure out what would happen to himself if he did.

"No," Eugene said shakily. "I can't." Negan's expression shifted to rage.

"Why the hell not?" Negan growled. Eugene swallowed.

"Y-you're alive for a reason," Eugene said. "And I do not possess the authority to undo the decision to keep you alive."

"Please," Negan said through clenched teeth. Despite the rage that he possessed, Eugene could see tears welling in his eyes. Soon his rage turned to sorrow and then to desperation and despair.

"Please," He repeated with a broken voice as tears poured from his eyes. "I-I can't be here anymore. Just kill me." Eugene's heart seemed to break every time he spoke. Not only was this man broken; he was broken because of him. Eugene looked away; he was unable to see Negan like this. It hurt him deep down and he was upset that it did. Eugene closed his eyes.

"No," Eugene said simply. Negan continued to sob as Eugene shut his eyes tightly. He wanted to help Negan, he really did, but he knew what would happen if he walked out of this room with Negan's blood on his hands. And maybe he even wanted Negan to be alive.

"Eugene," Negan said. Eugene opened his eyes and looked at Negan. There were still tears falling from his eyes, but he seemed to have controlled his sobbing. "You're a coward." Negan spoke very spitefully. Eugene furrowed his eyebrows then turned towards the door. Negan slammed his hands onto the bars, causing a loud banging. This startled Eugene, but he still left without turning back. He pushed past Rosita, but Rosita followed after him.

"What the hell happened in there?" Rosita asked angrily. Eugene stayed silent and continued to walk to his house.

"Hey!" Rosita said, stepping in front of Eugene. "Tell me what happened." Eugene looked at her then stepped around her.

"I don't want to talk about it," Eugene said. Rosita didn't follow him this time. She just watched him walk him with an angry stare.

"Fine!" She shouted at him. Eugene got to his house and immediately started to cry. It made him angry that he was crying, but the tears just wouldn't stop. He poured himself a glass of wine and sat at his table that had what he was tinkering on earlier. Without thinking, he shoved his work onto the ground: ruining whatever work he had put into it. It was stupid anyway. Just like him.


	3. The Pieces

It was bullshit. All of it was bullshit. They should have let him bleed out in that field. Instead, he rotted in a cell with all his hatred. They didn't care about mercy or acceptance. If they did they would have let him die that day. He was a broken man now and his pieces were scattered. He tried to pick them up-to put himself back together-but someone was always there to knock them out of his hands. So he gave up. He gave up and let himself be miserable as he wasted away in his cell. It was absolute bullshit.

He spent several nights crying. Grieving. Negan was a strong man but not on his own. With his people, it was easy to be badass and confident, but he was alone now. Everyone he knew is either dead or wants him dead. This hurt him down to his core. He couldn't stand feeling so alone. He longed so badly for someone to comfort him. He wanted someone to talk to him, to listen to him, to hold him. But he fucked that up real bad didn't he? No one wanted to do that to the monster he'd become. So he might as well just be dead.

Negan stared up at the small window in his cell. It was night so he could really see much but the starts. To be in the open world again… He turned over on his cot and faced the wall. He was shaking and hunger stabbed at his stomach. He was hoping that someday he would keel over from starvation, but it was agonizing. He always ended up breaking down and eating something and right now the old sandwich sitting just outside his cell was taunting him. He was just too weak. Negan was too weak.

He curled into a ball on his bed and closed his eyes: trying to ignore the hunger. Then he heard the door open then slow footsteps entering the room. There was then the sound of keys unlocking the cage. Negan didn't turn around. He couldn't care less who was in here and what their intent was. If they were going to kill him: good. If they weren't: it was just another visit to lower his spirits. The person entered the cell and walked over to where he lied on his bed. They stopped. Negan waited for something to happen, but nothing did.

"Negan," they whispered. He was finally able to identify who was at his bedside. Eugene. Negan turned away from the wall and faced the ceiling. He was now able to see his illuminated figure standing next to him. He was still holding that same knife from weeks before.

"Stand up please," Eugene said simply. Negan complied with his wishes: standing up in front of the slightly shorter man. What happened next defied all of Negan's expectations for Eugene. He had slowly wrapped his arms around his chest and held him close. Eugene pressed his cheek into Negan's chest and felt his gentle breathing combined with his quickened heartbeat. Negan kept his hands to his sides as Eugene held him. He was so warm and so comfortable.

Negan then felt tears start to fall from his eyes. He could feel his loneliness melting away and his pieces slowly pulling themselves together. As his tears continued to fall, he wrapped his arms around Eugene: one around his back and one on the back of his head. He sobbed into Eugene and pulled him in tight. The feeling of having someone so close and so vulnerable was intoxicating. Negan had forgotten how it felt.

Eugene rubbed his hand up and down Negans back. Soon, Negan felt Eugene start to cry. His tears were wetting his shirt. Negan let out a very shaky breath and started to pet Eugene's hair. It would seem as if Eugene needed this as bad as Negan did.

"I'm sorry," Negan breathed shakily. Eugene let out a sob.

"Me too," Eugene said. Negan could feel poor Eugene's lip quivering. Negan slowly let go of Eugene and Eugene slowly let go of Negan. They stared into each other's tear-stained faces. Some tears were still falling, but they slowed.

"Damn Eugene," Negan said, wiping the tears from his face. He usually hates it when his beard got wet, but he was distracted from that right now. "I don't know what to say. I… I really needed that." Eugene nodded.

"I did too," Eugene said. "I seem to lack a lot of sympathies but not with you. It hurt me knowing you were miserable down here."

"It almost sounds like you care about me Eugene," Negan said. Eugene swallowed.

"Maybe I do," Eugene said. They paused and stared at each other briefly.

"I care about you too," Negan said softly. They fell silent after this; neither knew what to say.

"Please eat something," Eugene said suddenly. "I can tell by your appearance that you're not." Negan chuckled lowly.

"Can do smarty-pants," Negan said. His face then fell slightly. "Shit sorry I forgot you didn't like that anymore."

"It's fine," Eugene said. "I honestly don't care what you call me as long as it's dignified." Negan shook his head.

"You really are something Eugene," Negan said, flashing a fairly weak smile. Eugene's cheeks flushed a light pink. He had heard this "compliment" from Negan before, but it felt different this time. It made Eugene feel special and warm inside.

"Know how you asked me to eat something?" Negan asked. Eugene nodded. "Only tradeoff is that you sir have to get some sleep."

"I'll try my darndest," Eugene said. Negan smiled again causing a warm feeling with Eugene. "Are you okay if I leave now?"

"Yes, how else are you going to get any sleep knuckle-head?" Negan said. Eugene nodded then turned towards the door. He locked him back in his cell then opened the door to leave. Before stepping out, he turned back.

"You like books?" Eugene asked.

"Hell yeah," Negan replied. Eugene then nodded simply and closed the door behind him.


	4. Lucy

Eugene stared at the stranger in his mirror. He never saw himself becoming what he was. He was feeling compassion and empathy for a man who killed his best friend. He told himself to stop, but he wouldn't listen. He told himself that he never cared, but he didn't believe it. Negan was driving him crazy.

He could worry about that later though. Right now he had another problem: his hair. Cutting it was out of the question. He's spent too long growing out his beautiful mullet. But it was starting to get pretty hot out and it was like he was wearing a fur coat on his head. He frowned at himself. Maybe it was time for it to go…

An idea then crossed his mind. Well, it was less of an idea and more of a memory. He reminisced about the time Negan braided his hair. He could remember how nice it felt to have someone touch his hair. He also remembered how nice it felt to get all that hair off his neck. The thing he remembered the most about that moment, though, was what Negan had called him. Lucy. It was still as confusing now as it was then. First off, that was a girl's name, so Eugene took a slight offense. Second of all, who the hell was Lucy? That wasn't important now though. He had other business.

So he stared at his hair and desperately tried to remember how Negan had done it. He knew the first step was brushing his hair thoroughly. God, he could remember how gentle Negan was. It nearly put him to sleep. Eugene longed for Negan's gentle hands as he yanked the brush through his thick and tangled hair. When he was done, though, his hair did feel nice. He stared at his proud work then thought about the next steps.

All he knew for sure was that there was some overlapping of strands involved. He knew how a braid looked because Rosita usually had a braid in and was able to conclude that there were three strands involved. So he slowly separated his hair into three large strands, trying to make them as even as possible. Now for the hard part: figuring out how to overlap them.

Eugene took the separated strands to the side so he could see them in the mirror. It didn't take very long to find the right solution because of Eugene's innovative mind. What was frustrating was getting the braid to work: he kept losing one strand and having to start over. When he finally finished, he was proud. He was proud despite all the loose strands and messy overall braid. It was good enough for him that he was able to do it. So he nodded at himself and headed out.

His plan for today was to gather some books for Negan. He wasn't sure if he trusted Negan with books from his private collection yet, so he decided to see if there were some in the library. The library was small, but Eugene still enjoyed the fact that they had one. He had made sure that they had gotten some books out of the Sanctuary's rather large library. The library at the Sanctuary was pure bliss to Eugene. God, he missed it so much.

So Eugene headed out towards the library with a small bag to put the books in. It wasn't long before someone noticed the braid. Judith ran up to Eugene with the classic Grimes smile. She was getting so big. He knew they were only half related, but Eugene could see Carl in her. Especially with that hat.

"I like your hair Eugene," Judith said. Eugene nodded at her.

"Thanks," Eugene said. "Helps air get to my neck." Judith nodded and smiled. She fell silent but continued to walk with Eugene.

"Negan really likes you," Judith said, not looking up from the ground. Eugene stopped walking and felt his heart drop.

"How do you-" Eugene said. "Who told you that?" Judith shrugged.

"Negan talks about you an awful lot. All good things," Judith said.

"You've been talking to Negan," Eugene said, mostly to himself. What the hell was she doing talking to him? Her mom would flip the hell out if she knew.

"He likes to talk and I like to listen," Judith said simply.

"You really shouldn't be talking to him," Eugene said.

"Well you really shouldn't have helped the Saviors," Judith said. Eugene was rather taken aback by this but didn't feel like fighting with a child.

"Touche," Eugene said and continued walking. Judith ran after him.

"Wait!" Judith said. "Will you teach me how to do that? The hair thing?" Eugene furrowed his eyebrows.

"You mean the braid?" Eugene asked.

"Yeah that," Judith said. It never occurred to Eugene that Judith didn't know what a braid was. Hell, she probably didn't know about a lot of things.

"I'm busy," Eugene said. "Ask Rosita, I know she knows how."

"But I want you to do it," Judith whined.

"Maybe some other time," Eugene said.

"Okay, fine," Judith said. "Bye Eugene."

"Bye," Eugene said and watched Judith run off.

Eugene continued to the library. When he got there, he tried to find some old classics or anything that might be in Negan's ballpark. He settled on six and brought them out in his bag. Now he had to sneak into Negan's room in broad daylight. He walked in a circle around the block until he saw that no one was around where Negan's cell was. Then he quickly went in. He was sure no one saw him. He didn't know how to explain himself if someone did.

"Cute hair," Negan said. Eugene felt his face get hot. "Who did it?"

"I did," Eugene said. He took a seat on the bench and brought out the books. "I figured it out this morning."

"It really suits you Eugene," Negan said warmly. "Now what do you got for me?"

"I brought you six books," Eugene said, handing the books to Negan. "I tried to pick some you might like. Just don't tell anyone who gave them to you."

"You're secret's safe with me," Negan said with a wink. He set the books down next to his bed neatly. Eugene remained standing at the bars. Negan raised his eyebrows.

"Anything else you need smarty-pants?" Negan asked, walking back to him. Eugene looked around the room, but then back to Negan.

"You've been talking with Judith," Eugene said. Negan sighed.

"What did she tell you?" Negan asked. "I only ever tell her the truth so-"

"She said that you really like me," Eugene said. Negan stared at Eugene briefly.

"Do you believe her?" Negan asked.

"I believe her," Eugene said. "I just don't think I believe you." Negan shook his head.

"Eugene," Negan paused, "When are you going to trust that I don't hate you?"

"I just don't understand why," Eugene said. Negan sighed again and paced a little.

"Can I tell you something Eugene?" Negan offered. "Something that not a lot of people know?" Eugene swallowed. He was almost flattered.

"Yes," Eugene said simply, intrigued by what may come next. Negan took a long and slow breath before continuing.

"I had a wife," Negan said. "Like a real wife before all this shit happened. She was the love of my life." Negan paused but continued to pace the cell. "She died though before the dead started to live again. I would give anything to see her again." Negan's voice broke as he finished the last sentence. He sniffed, then moved on. "Anyways, her name was Lucille." Eugene's breath halted. Lucille. A lot of shit seemed to come together just then.

"Lucy…" Eugene said under his breath. Negan didn't seem to hear it.

"Let me tell you a little bit about her and see if this rings a bell," Negan said. "She was a bigger girl. She wasn't very strong, but she was clever as hell. She even had a mullet." Negan stopped and looked over at Eugene. His eyes read confusion.

"Okay the mullet is a lie, but she did have black hair," Negan said. He walked back over to Eugene since he had paced pretty far away from him.

"I remind you of your wife," Eugene said. Negan nodded simply.

"Granted Lucille was a bit more attractive," Negan said. "No offense."

"None taken," Eugene said.

"Now that I've lost her for the second time, you're really all that's left for me," Negan said. Eugene could really see the grief and compassion in his eyes. It stung him.

"I think I believe you now," Eugene said softly. Negan then gently grabbed a hold of Eugene's hand from across the bars. It made Eugene's heart flutter and his cheeks flush.

"That's good Eugene," Negan said running his thumb over Eugene's knuckles. Eugene took in a deep breath and continued to stare into Negan's eyes.

"I need to go," Eugene said, pulling his hand from Negan's slowly. Negan nodded.

"You should visit me more often," Negan said. Eugene nodded and headed towards the door. "Thanks again for the books."

"You're welcome," Eugene said simply before leaving the room. The last thing he saw before heading home was Judith scampering away from the window.


End file.
